Thoughts.

I think I will never be able to explain how the world, in all of its beauty and horror, constantly leaves me paralyzed in the doorway waiting to see what comes next. I will never be able to articulate my pain in knowing that everything I have and everything I will never have exist simultaneously, out there, regardless of my thoughts or fears. That truly is the absolute most terrifying part of growing up, realizing that not only does the world not revolve around you, but that it revolves in spite of you. And that from the moment you gain internal consciousness, you will spend your life trying to repay a debt you can never seem to pinpoint long enough to understand. The debt we owe to the universe, to the stars and the oceans and the trees and the stones. To our mothers, our mothers’ mothers, our most ancient ancestors. Because every single one of us came from somewhere we can’t fully grasp and that leaves me in a constant state of awe.
As a child I took most of my understanding of the world from books, and in growing up I slowly shed my expectations of what the world would be like. I learned to accept it for what it is. Because I realized  that there would be no romantic declaration of love outside my window, no perfect stranger to let me know I’m doing the right thing, no moment of clarity, no final realization at the end. There would be no dragon slaying, no guarantee that things will work out, no promise that I would find the one, and definitely no happily ever after. I would not be rescued by a strong man on horseback, or by anyone at all. It would and will always just be me. And sometimes people will love me and sometimes I will love people and sometimes I will get lost or fuck up and people will help me or they won’t. There will be happy moments and sad moments, as there have always been. Moments I forget about and moments I will never forget. There will be unbelievable moments, but I will believe them.
And these thoughts are good, they leave me sane and whole the majority of the time.
But the thing is, sometimes you just have to say fuck it.
I will believe anything and everything I choose to, even the things I have reasoned away. The things I’ve said don’t exist, the acceptance of the world as it is, they can’t beat belief in the impossible. It’s a bigger inspiration than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I want to fall in love and I want to slay dragons and I know that some days I will deny this in my cynicism and other days I will forget all about it.

But that’s okay.
Because the terrifying thing is, none of us know much of anything.
I can’t think of anything more perfect than that.